Some blogs have a “theme”. Before you open the page of a routinely visited blog you have a general idea about what to expect – kids, politics, housekeeping, rants, humor, etc. I don’t have a theme. But I enjoy the freedom of sharing a potpourri of life, whether it is funny, family-specific or just about life in general. This particular post was not initially written with the intention of being read by anyone besides my husband and myself. It was originally “therapy in writing” - just a journal entry to mark what I’ve learned and a reminder to not regress. Yes, Jesus patiently steps back with us many times to take our hand and bring us through problems that we have been through before. But isn’t it so much easier if we learn the lesson and move forward? My husband continued encouraging me to share this when he saw my reluctance. I finally conceded when he said, “hopefully every woman that reads it can be helped in some way. Because don’t ALL of you have to deal with this?”.
Mean Girls
As a grown woman, whose children are both boys, I must still admit that my life will never be entirely drama-free. In my 30 years I have had three experiences with “Mean Girls”. Because the past is in the past and the entire point of writing this is to write what I learned, I will not describe or allude to any of the instances in particular.
Mean Girls come in many varieties and yes, ages. Mean Girls are expected in the teenage years but I have learned that they do not grow up. Yes, they age, but they do not automatically mature and leave their childish ways behind. A Mean Girl may be anyone who is insecure, self-seeking, a “desperate housewife”, sharp-tongued, drama queen, a gossip (speaks negatively about others), jealous, demands Queen Bee status, or demeans others. Any combination of these characteristics is a potent creation for a Mean Girl.
I happily say that after two MGs entered and left my life I had the opportunity, yes I say PRIVILEGE, to deal with a third. The third MG has unknowingly left me feeling light, free and has served to further heal past hurts that I had thought were gone. What a blessing! What was meant to harm me, God has used to bless me. This was not easy I have to admit. My husband was the only one with whom I had spoken to about a suspected issue for months. As I came to a breaking point I had to acknowledge something was amiss. Finally I let someone else into my tortured mind. I called a trusted friend and mentor who I knew to be discreet and wise. This person is someone who, regardless of the generational gap, I can truly call a friend. Everything came pouring out. What surprised me was the emotion that surfaced as I spoke these things out loud. Baggage. Things said years ago left such a negative impact on me that they carried over to today. My friend and mentor shared some things that gave me insight. As much as I wanted to find out what was wrong and try to fix and mend things, I realized this person was too similar to the previous two MGs. God was asking me if I had learned anything or if I was going to go about this the hard way – again. An insecure person who needs to be the Queen Bee is not going to leave you alone after you fix the issue. (I should say IF you could fix the issue. If you do not know what is broken you cannot fix it.) There will always be something that she is jealous of or insecure about and you might be the one she unleashes on to bring more attention to herself as the supposed victim. So instead you must leave your innate defensiveness on the sidelines, check your heart and ask God to show you if you’ve said or done something wrong. If you haven’t, it might be best not to ask the MG. Attention seekers thrive on this sort of thing. Just leave it alone. Stay away. Know your true friends. Don’t waste time, energy or tears on someone who is baselessly hurtful. If you are truly faultless, your character can withstand the test of time as you wait for your reputation to be restored in the eyes of those who listened to the MG. When they see that you do not exhibit any of the characteristics they’ve been told then your silence on the issue and lack of negativity about others will speak volumes.
Lastly, I am disappointed in Christians in general. I have come to dislike the term “Christians” anyway. Too often it is easier to find a “Christian” who is a bold-faced embarrassment to Christ than someone who strives to honor him. I choose to use the term “Christ-like”. Christ-like is what “Christian” means but seems to be a more potent description. I am disappointed in those that call themselves Christians but treat people without love and therefore do not act Christ-like. Hopefully they treat non-Christians differently. But we shouldn’t hold our breath about that. Also, I am disappointed in those who call themselves Christians but encourage MGs by listening to the gossip and slander that comes from their mouths. To this I refer to Hebrews 10:24: “And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds.”
As my friend and mentor said “every experience with a mean girl makes the next experience easier”. But you have to intentionally make the hard choices: keep your own mouth shut, continue to only speak kindly of others, choose to leave the issue in God’s hands, and enjoy the freedom of being in the Truth.
Addendum
I would like to thank my parents for laying the groundwork and trying fervently to teach this to me many years ago.
